Monday, 19 March 2012

"Between Thought and Expression Lies a Lifetime".- Lou Reed

Cipralex, Round One.

29 days into the worst case scenario pills.

I can get up in the morning.  I get dressed in the morning.  Sometimes I even leave the house.  Mostly I shower, get dressed like I'm actually going out, but then head to the couch. The day passes and it's lather, rinse, repeat the next day, and the day after that and then a week has gone by and I still haven't gone to class.

Double dosage starts tomorrow

Apparently I should be feeling better than I am by now.  I should no longer be standing in my own way.  But I am.

This shakes my idea that I was only "mildly depressed".  Mildly depressed people function on 5-10mg.  I am starting 20mg.

I still hate that it has come to this.  I still hate that they help.  I still hate things.

The first two weeks were bad.  Day one I was almost manic.  I described an entire movie in 3 minutes, quite possibly without breathing in between thoughts.  I calmed down quickly, but no longer needed sleep.  I would wake up at all hours of the night like I had been given adrenaline shots. This went on for a while.

 Day two I was on some sort of high, everything was amazing and I could not stop being in the best mood ever. Everything was giggle worthy.  I thought that if THIS was what anti-depressants were all about I should have done this long ago.  I was hoping that would last but it didn't.  That only lasted a day.

 For a few days I couldn't eat.

  And then when that all calmed down the anxiety started.

The worst anxiety I have ever experienced, the kind of anxiety that made it hard to swallow.  Sitting through class was torturous. I would have to get up and go walk around every 15 minutes to keep myself from absolutely losing my mind. That lasted for longer than I would have liked.  This has mostly calmed down but some days the anxiety comes creeping back.

Now my doctor has doubled my dose and as of tomorrow I start taking more.  I dread the idea that the side effects will come back.

There is how I think I'm doing, how I want to be doing, and how I'm actually doing and right now none of them line up.  I thought I was doing great, until I realized it was simply that I was doing better, and that I wanted so much to be doing great I had convinced myself I was.  Until my doctor asked me to rate how I am on a scale.  I should be around a ten, but I'm around a 6, and I realized I hadn't gone to class for over a week.

So double dose of the worst case scenario pills it is.