Friday, 17 February 2012

"Fractures well cured make us more strong." - Emerson

I now have this tiny bottle of over priced little white pills which are supposed to help my neurotransmitters produce more serotonin.  Simple as that.  And yet, something that seems so simple has been my greatest fear through all of this, that things would get so bad that I would not be able to control things any more and that these pills would be the solution.

My counsellor believes I am depressed.  My doctor believes I am depressed.  Most days I believe I am depressed.

Is this the road I want to go down though?  I always applaud other people for getting help, for getting past the stigma of depression and medication.  This has nothing to do with me being worried about the labels and people's perception of me.

Have I really tired everything else? Maybe not, but my life doesn't seem to have the time to fit every alternative in.  Or maybe I do have the time I am just too busy being depressed to use it wisely.

I am frustrated that this time in my life has such a dark cloud over it.  I love living with my boyfriend, I love living in Halifax, I love Dalhousie even if I do not love my English degree.   I know I will eternally miss my mom, but the sadness and the tears aren't even about her most of the time.

How did I get so depressed? Everything inside me feels like it carries a heavy weight with me every where I go.  Sometimes that weight makes it so hard just to do things I need to do.  I missed class the other day because making breakfast seemed like too much work. There are days I have missed class because getting out of my pajamas is too hard.  Some days leaving the couch is next to impossible.

So here I am, facing this tiny bottle of worst case scenario pills.

It's the commitment that has me worried.  4 weeks before I start to feel any effect.  6 months before they will even consider seeing if I am ready to come off of them, slowly.

What if I can never come off of them?  I do not want to be on these forever.

What if they make my life so much better that I don't WANT to come off of them?

That is my biggest fear.

 Not that I will become addicted, but that I will actually want them forever.

I still haven't taken any.

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